there's this thing called learning helplessness.
there might as well be a loving hopelessness.
then i can identify with it.

really,
i don't see the possibility of anyone ever liking me. (or liking back.)
girls don't like me because,
i'm not totally masculine, or feminine.
same with guys.

i'd just have to learn to deal with living without love.

complications of things never get to the point of the working of a girls mind.
such as -
when someone unrelevant likes them: girl make them like her even more without ever thinking of requiting it
when someone relevant likes them: girl doesn't do much in return but eventually like them as well.
when girl likes someone irrelvant: girl makes them like girl then ignore them the moment she finds out they do.
when girl loves someone: girl doesn't do anything but silently weep.

ps. jang geun suk is amazingly beautiful and makes me feel straight and i hate exams.


later on:
i've stayed at home to do math review.
i've done what. 2 pages.
the rest of the day lusting model agency websites. and camera gear updates.
and realizing i've got to catch up on fashion shoots.
i'm an ultra fail.

the perfect people tend to love one another. but there are also people who aren't perfect, who love perfect people, including me.

for these days when i lay flatchested on frosted solitude. i miss my impossible person. he swims in another direction, towards another ocean but we swim in parallel paths, in perfect symmetry. perfect symmetry. sometimes i want to climb over to that river and press my lips against his, and explore the wonderland behind his lips. but that wonderland isn't mine to explore. my tongue doesn't fit in like a piece of puzzle, it doesn't stick out far enough from my distribute of the river.

im swimming through every little thing that can poison and intoxicate my head with thoughts of what's under the water on the other side. how warm the movement of the wave on the other side could be, rushing like a thousang sensation in and out of my skin. it can collapse softly on my veins in no constant pace. except im not fit for that river.

like a straight line trying to intertwine with a curve, it just doesn't work that way. not in this dimension or any other dimension of thought.

and for once in my life i'm not spilling my jars of thoughts like a child's scraping knee. there is always a little bit of sacrifice in every lip bite, in every nevermind and any forced laugh afterward. luckily i don't need to do all that, because of the illusion created by the layers of glass built through time. to the point of perfect distortion.

layers of glass so strong it not only needs to distort vision but also to seperate the force created by false sources. when something cannot start it cannot end. it can only cease to possibly exist in any circumstance. which is what it started with, and supposed will end with.

there is a long, very long list of why it should exist. except there is just one thing, it can't. somethings don't fit in the very nature no the impossibility of imposibility. somethings are perfect match but not a perfect fit. it's just circumstance.

it's just incredibily funny to find an exact piece that matches doesn't fit. it's like two pieces of puzzles that fit perfectly but are part of different pictures. that's it. that must be why.

love doesn't consider sex, only gender. but again, that's just me.
nobody should speak of love these days anyway, for nobody really values that word as they slip it between their tongues anymore.

im not the only one born in the wrong body.
and yet i feel like i have not rambled enough this time. for i am always refraining from i truly have to say. i just can't spill it anymore.

1. Do you sleep in your bra?
never.

2. Do you sleep with socks on?
....no.

3. Would you rather sleep alone or with someone else?
with someone else, so i don't have to sleep with the lights on.

4. Do you enjoy drama?
i like acting.

5. Are you a girly girl?
i'd hope not.

6. Who was the last person you hugged?
ermm..who?

7. Small or large purses?
small. purses are meant to be small.

8. Are you short?
yes. :(

9. Do you like somebody?
hmm.

10. Does your Facebook password have to do with a boy?
yeaaaars ago. i'm just too used to typing it.

13. Do you dress up on Halloween?
no not really.

15. Where is the weirdest place you have slept?
i sleep anywhere.

16. Has anyone touched/smacked your butt in the past 24 hours?
probably.

18. Do you call anybody by their last name?
nay and hoy?

19. How many guys will read this just because it says- Girl Confessions?
i'm skipping this.

1. What color is the bra your wearing?
black white stripes.

2. Do you prefer light or dark haired guys?
dark.

3. Are you currently frustrated with a boy?
...no.

4.What's one thing a guy can do to make you like them?
be gay.

5. Do you have a best friend?
no.

6. Have you ever had your heart broken?
hmm. yes.

7. Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery?
more like sex change.

8. Do you like your life?
not most of the time.

10. Has one of your friends ever stolen a boy from you?
...hmm no.

11. Have you ever jumped into a pool with your clothes on?
indeed.

12. Do you have more friends that are girls or boys?
probably not. i don't get along as well with girls.

13. How long have you had a facebook?
grade 9?

16. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
for years.

17. Have you ever not been able to get someone off of your mind?
yeah.

18. Do you believe in the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater?
100%.

19. Have you ever had a good feeling about something?
hmmm. new cameras?

20. Do you ever wish you were famous?
not really. not if that means they find out about my past.

21. Are you currently missing someone?
yes. loads of people.

IN A GUY...

Funny or Serious?
serious.

Romantic or Daredevil?
romantic.

Dark Eyes or Light Eyes?
light eyes?

Long Hair or Short Hair?
long hair.

Curly Hair or Straight Hair?
curly.

Drunk or Sober?
drunk.

Has a Motorcycle or Has a Sports Car?
motorcycle.

Ever walked into the guy's bathroom?
i belong in there.

If you ever want to live to see another day, you're forced to snort cocaine, would you do it?
why wouldn't i? haha

When is the last time you were in a photo booth taking pictures with a friend?
binh lita so young?

Have you ever seen someone you knew and purposely avoided seeing them?
loads of time.

Who was the last guy you talked to?
....i don't know.

Do you think best friends can be replaced?
no.

Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life ?
i boosted the weird factor in their life to a whole new level.

Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?
oh. myself.

Where's the weirdest place you've changed clothes?
...anywhere.

Are you shy?
i wish.

Are you talkative?
depends on who. i ignore people alot of times. i enjoy annoying people too.

Do you secretly like someone?
no.

Are you good at hiding your feelings?
i am now.

How is life going for you right now?
could be alot better.

Do you trust people easily?
no. not anymore.

Where were you at 11 o'clock last night?
shower?

Do you smile a lot?
no.

Have you ever cried from being so mad?
...yes.

Are you happy?
no.

Do you prefer to be around people or by yourself?
alone.

How are you feeling at this moment?
i feel. i want sushis.

How did you get the shirt you're wearing?
what tshirt.

How much money did you spend last month?
...nice question.

Your mothers name?
which one.

What did you do last weekend?
why would i remember that.

What always makes you feel better when you’re upset?
new shoes.

What did you have for breakfast?
not today. brunch day.

Have you ever liked someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend?
...haha. yeah...

Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?
do i do smart things?

Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
it doesn't take a day.

Who was the last person you saw?
my sister who's next to me?

Who was the last person you hung out with?
people.

Where did you last go?
dvds place

Where did you sleep last night?
bed. :o

Do you like someone right now?
no. sadly.

Does the future scare you?
no. i don't like to think too much about it.

Why did you get a facebook?
i don't remember things.

Why are you doing this survey?
because new moon was fucking boring.

If you could have one super power what would it be?
time travel.

If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you?
yes. that one thing i've always regretted.